jimi hendrix and the star spangled manic depression ballad of a tiny texas town
Now Playing: no fireworks yet
Topic: life
fuck. its the fouth of july and about to go to the bridge that Josh and i got hit at. (egret bay bridge) perhaps the fire in the sky will cheer me up a bit. eh. damnit!!! ok, getting dark. late.

eh
Topic: music
been working on music

cool cats
Topic: life
kitty smiles

it wont hurt
Topic: psychology

my windows button is gone. almost interesting. tick tock tick tock

my body is about as calm as my mind as i write this. been inside my dark bedroom sweating, withdrawing from a med my doc told me to stop taking. then the fear started again. i cant keep doing this lifestyle of prescribed insanity. it feels a bit darker than the room itself. C.K. is the only one i keep in touch with at the moment. perhaps a text here and there from people. then i look at the phone in dismay. i need to start feeling my own normality again. though C.K. keeps my mind off things and then we get to snug till the morning. don't laugh, im in love. she did want to kick something last night. legs twitching under the covers anticipating the possibility.

arts alliance, i heard is closing on june 29th. not sure how accurate that is. so dont know anything, though i know they have been in financial trouble for quite some time. figures clear lake cant even keep a small arts community alive.  the only one on top of that. culture killing mother fuckers. eh. i have a headache anyway.

this has been the lowest productivity year ever for me. its also the year i will label for myself "the year i cant concentrate". i blame myself and my doctor. i do understand the experimenting to track which meds are the best for me, but i caught her saying something very careless in our last session. felt a bit cheated. been running in ecstatic eccentric circles with my nerves and script changes. why cant we experiment and have me off everything? it may be due time. enough of this.

going to try to sleep with logszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz   

so i woke, and did nothing. nothing at all. i had a wonderful morning with C. went and got my usual double espresso as we joked about but secs. then left to my own devices, i went back to doing nothing. nothing at all.
notes ran slowly in my head into a slightly melancholy swing. why the fuck am i not writing music today? am i just lazy after the alterations of meds? i think as usual too much may be in thy head, leaving a confused jordan in my own pacing dust. and too much of anything is overwhelming. fuck

6/18/2012 2:02pm
nevermind. ive been working on music since the end of my ranting. .

6/21/12 2:21pm
it feels dangerous outside. another day inside. summers can be boring here unless you can keep up with the houston heat. though i have enough to do inside. before Debra got the word of the art alliance failing, she asked me about a show she was thinking of doing. about 10 of their (best)? artist and each artist having around 10 or so works on display. she said it would probably be around the middle of august, but even though this show wont be happening anymore there is no reason still to make some wonderful pieces. was at starbucks with Csilla earlier and noticed a man looking at value point graphs in the news paper. then i started to read the dips and curves as music. notching each dot as a particular number of key steps, raising and declining pitches in microtones. 3 graphs equaled around 6 measures of music. though i have two piano works to finish. one playable by a pianist. one playable only through midi, so the mock ups have to sounds correct with tempo changes which are programmed through the means of MIDI. yeah, its always a lot of work. "it is painting a 747 plane with a toothpick." - (Quincy Jones quote)
    my nightmares have been getting worse again. im not withdrawing from the one med anymore which feels brilliant, but i still am plagued with horrid thoughts that i cant share with anyone but my notebook and C.K. the doctor put me on the med on top of the others to make me obsess less about death. it got so bad at a point that i was too nervous to get out of bed and start my day. just constantly nervous. the med worked quick. i got less obsessed with death, instead my own eccentricities became boastful and perhaps obnoxious. even though it made me tired, i was starting to think violent thoughts instead. wanting to get into a fight. hoping someone will start shit with me so i could distribute and receive physical pain. getting angry inside until i wore myself out into an apathetic state of tiredness. ive probably been mean, and stable towards many. after all ive lost all my friends but Josh even though i never see him. the anger is gone, but the depression will never cease ... enough about depression and particular losses, there is too much to do.

strange rainy day
Topic: life

outside in the rain today - cell phone pictures

loving you
Topic: love

and please dont kill me for posting your picture. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

aday inmarch (for myCsilla)
Topic: poetry
. Sapphire eyes .
the lips of affection in dire depression that feels perfect
when the kiss seems to fit.
We danced to a midnight rhapsody while our mouths in lock
to the prepared sounds in synch

and the rest ... for the kids
Now Playing: depeche mode
Topic: poetry

use you number selector (prelude to shortly mad world)

Saline drip microchip
in caved in cities with girls and big tits
lived alone far from the city
and waiting for a poke in the butt

its in the 60's of vinyl nights
or 7% of what i might write

that's not too bad ...

because i still live in humility well
in 1% of 2012

shortly mad world to you
today was expected -
yet never the events that occurred
of course you remember when ...
you sacrificed a piggy float
in the middle of a Joyous Parade
then rowed away on a boat made of people.
once your friends but just skeletons today.

took yourself on a wonderful trip
one that erased your brain pain in frames.
wow! now with neutron flames instead!
x to y. why do you know what you know?
open that beautiful mouth
so i can stuff it with shit.
eating mcdonalds never tasted so good.
hell g. i heard they're even better ones in the hood!

shhh! (i've got a blessing in disguise)
can you keep a secret?
of course you cant. well anyway,
it takes you to his urethra 
where you become a wonderful gall stone.
if your lucky there will be more suckers like you
so you dont have to be all alone.

Grip (inspired by the hungers song title "grip"

girl - tonight - i swear - ill take you home at dark,
or we can sleep here at the park.
girl - i woke - today, and found you gone away
when i found the perfect thing to say (to you)

i am not someone to fear or hate.
just a delicate mess of a man
who wants to feel the caress of a woman.
though i cant promise i wont bite tonight,
or go any further, because i cant concentrate
when your screaming "bloody murder"

get a grip, just get a grip on your situation
just get a grip of what you've been dealt
get a grip on the laws of your body
as i tie you up with my belt.
get a grip and take a deep breath
as my love starts to decline to feelings of death

girl - take care - ill lay you back down in bed.
just the way i told you i said.
girl - its late, so let us take as break
before you get a chance to wake

i am not a man of strong will
just one that practices his passion
if i hurt anyone i would still do it again
right before the fucking madness in me begins

girl - take my word - you will be alright - out of site
... so no one needs to look for you while the day is still bright

Migraine Terrain

Exclusions include what was robbed from us when children
and this dullness has taken over my wishing well
don't become a living hell in your shell of decision
i masturbate to be living in a dangerous tale of sadness dwindling
"hey you" it was a million years ago
what are you proving by assuming that is was a mistake of moving
by protruding in my emotions
which are shooting out of me like a gun barrel arrow?
what do i say to be taught like you, grieve like you, and even suck like you?
while the emblem embraces its waste of complicated taste of race and social levels grace
from the start of war from discussions above.
beware of your thoughts while in bed
next before you know it your wishing your dead
but its not good material for letters of love to taste
my heart is a cold polyurethane case
which will shatter at any moment
(if you were wondering)

balance
Topic: poetry

met a girl - now shes gone
looks like it was co-dependency all along.
thought about it and smoked a joint.
then put my head in the noose.
after all, "whats the point?"
a joke i told myself before i died -
but forgot it when all turned black.
didnt even try ...
to remember the name -
of the one - who made me
want to die and go insane.

inspired by the poem Last Dance in Ian Curtis by nobody

loss
my worst nightmares are a giggling teenage cunts wet dream.

new poetry for children
Topic: poetry

Saturday/Sundays

shadows and casting follow the train that hits me
instant fear holds and tricks by powers above
making bombs in shelters for people
praying to god in a demolished steeple
hold close to what you love dear
save the souls who drown in the after party
cheer - second act is done - stage is on fire -
applause and bullets are what we waited to hear

picked up a grenade from the road
love the feel of steel that was cold
i cracked my head open to feel the blast
nothing can take me. nothing will stop this.
save me from bravery. save me from violence.
save me from nothing. nothing sacred can save me.
violence is nothing. save me to stop me.
nothing cant take whatever your point was!?!?

people put up your hands & clap
gods waiting for the ending song.
dance, drunk, fuck, lets roll.
collapse! - didnt have time to sell my soul
a final chorus tells me of another grind
go away with yours - ill take mine
if you feel the uncomforting then sleep in my arms and
hold tight tonight till the last damn cloud drops from the sky

i sigh - sing lo-fi blues
yellow hues turn to purple tunes
ministers became mad at our sound systems
separated states sink to take tomorrow with weapons
now all hell breaks loose once again from the streets

after all
before the accident dark clouds were within the sky
we felt the warning yet ignored the future clock
time again to put on your boots
walk through many miles of bullshit
dont fall on your pride with your face on the ground
no shit - it seems it never ends
until the day you reach your friend

its not cold or adjusted to temper
i love her voice after all this mess
fuck me kill me rape me
what do you need?

the walk was tiring
let me please sit
let me dry my eyes
i want nothing more than to sing with you,
and live this surprise

1234-1234-1321

no more sky for us tonight
beating blue serenades the bright
seek your belief within a sight
of your tiny fucking pathetic life

never take the light from its source
be careful before you rejoice
just one more time before the reports
send us to a fancy death resort

linesofsugar

i slept with the queen who wanted my head
she carried a jar of bees with honey and bread
i ran far away from her nest that got the best of me

on my way making love with a million gypsies
then the worst came to floor us
when all the bees flourished
from the forest brought misery

that made the gypsies dance all day
one by one a thousand stings in all
just to see the truth fail and fall
is it any wonder? why i wonder.
that today is the worst ive ever felt

when the place fell to pieces i looked around and asked
"what does she want with me?" as i left the dead and passed
so now once again i was all alone in bed
no one to hold closely - not even a queens head

then i woke to find her bees at the my door
knocking furiously to every step i take on the floor
ill never give the honey back to her fleet
instead i drank it and forever went to sleep

one by one they won the fight
just to see if truth fails to light
is it any wonder? why i wonder.
that today is the best ive ever felt

wrongwordswritewell

as the words came straight from my mouth
a dead man writes the book instead
when my life changed to chapter six
i didn't want to ever look ahead
but now this verse is taking its toll
as if i didn't know
my role in life instead

sing to me but change the song
dance with me before the circumstance
is all wrong
laugh with me but stay very quiet
hate with me before they reinstate
loves riot
then there is nothing there

a page turns over towards the south
the dead man in the casket turns his head
as the sky turns to fire during a fix
i found they were cheap plastic roses from his bed
this is the chapter in which im told
that i never really know
what lies for me ahead

sing to me but change the key
dance with me before they advance
to the nearest sea
laugh with me and arrest the siren
hate with me before we irritate
loves tyrant
then there is nothing there

the dead man looked at me
said nothings wrong
i took his hand and went along
his head turned to the north
and sang a song
to find there was no tune at all

Future Sobriety Failure

It's driving me crazy - the way you talk
the way you walk - the way you’re surprised
at all the things I can do.
But I'd rather be embarrassed
about what I can't do than be with you.

Riots and rain busted my bike
into fragments of dust one night
Naked men swing their penis like a bat
to protect the chicken egg and turkey deluxe
baste my breast and call me shirley
to expect what cums out early
Baseball bats limp from the sound of lightning
and tore apart my huffy

once i was sane but now im nuts
come to the garage and snort my cigarette butts
i was alive before but now im an empty glass
so come to my house and fill up my ass

alone, stoned, broken enhanced
i cant stand when you give me another
chance to sleep with your sisters
they think the end is coming, but
im unfortunately doubtful
lets wait and see if the water rises
and takes us away to a perverted island
before all is too late

False rapture blues

It wasn't God, but what happened was sad
a sticky panic of breath stuck on window panes
take out Chinese with church symbols
give out MSG to little Halloween children
They wear mask and elastic hats
Armageddon style with a fake Hitler mustache

Bling a ring - Blah blee blah
rubber ducky spoils acid rain
don't masturbate when heaven
takes you away

The minister has 5 minute lunch breaks
he smokes a joint before going to heaven’s gate
so saddle your children down
and ride them into town
Everyone gets a free chance with boys
and robotic cheap plastic toys

* Leslie Gore
don't tell me what to do
don't tell me what to say
and when i go out with you
don't put me on display
just let me be myself*
and let me do what i need to do
that's all i ask of you and that all i hate to say
but if heaven doesn't want me then all i have to do is pray

Living Disorder

It doesn't matter where I go acceptance will never happen
Will you be my friend if I pretend not to be myself?
I'm never a threat, but people walk around me ... as if
I could go up in flames.
Like a soulless bomb - insane.
May I ask?
Is it my personality?
My awkward face, the way I dress, or just the way I stand up for myself?
Is it my music, phrasing, words I use to describe you and the world?
Is it because I want to be close with strangers at night?
My big nose and unkempt hair?
My nasal voice or the way my fingers mess with the air?
You call me strange but look at the world.
Around you.
maybe neither of us will win this world with affection
It's been years since someone took me serious
though I've been serious my whole life.
Crying and fighting my way to one heart like mine.
Yet .... no one wants to admit they are one fucked up son of a bitch.

A Strange life

im scratching crosses in your tombstone cause god forgot to give you a home
im loosing peace of mind in this silly head taking unjust measures for the dead
nobody would save you when alive - all my trying quickly died
the drug you chose made life hell
a long road from heaven made this short journey the longest tale
you lived with a dog that loved you when everyone else around you ...
dropped like flies.
funny i suppose when it comes to surprise
that you were never really alone from the start
state to state driving away from a past that you said never should have been
but that bottle your holding aint cutting it
that crack in your head wont do, but you say its medicine for a broken heart
when in reality the last girl you loved wouldn't give it back and ran far away from you
you wrote a thousand ballads that i could never understand or relate to,
because ive never felt love the same way you do
call me insensitive to nature, and disaster waiting to happen,
but when you died - my life stopped the music you and i began

Lift me high to heaven (please)

Dear God, ive been so bad
I lay in bed all day feeling sad
I cry me eyes out before I sleep
waking up with a cooked turkey
and my arm in its ass foot deep.

Oh Chicken Skins. Beautiful fried Chicken skins
Colonel Sanders was a golden skin idol
until prophets struck the old man down
Oh sweaty Chicken Skins
Glorious golden Chicken Skins
I put my faith in a greasy bucket
so the rapture just may let me drown

Dear Guardian Angel, do you get bored
when I just stay in my little sad room?
Peeing in bottles that stay year round
never ending cupcake crumbs fall to the ground
I stuff my face till my belly is wrecked while
thinking of the girl I lost to that effect

I can't stop smoking blunts next to me stack of porns
wasting away my half of millions of newborns
cum stained glass windows reach my peak in faith
if one day I'd go outside and play
but now I weigh 666 pounds and cant move
out of my own shit stains
so here come the large humiliating cranes
that will lift me high to heaven (please)

Oh Chicken Skins, Oh sweaty Chicken Skins
we made a sacred pact to get married
Mary, - who's Mary? I don't care.
As long as Chicken Skin and God stand by her side
Oh please hear me Lord, and forgive these Chicken Skins

221221979

dont get too sad, until the moment is over, itsnot nonsense. its not even crazy, yet stabilize me.
tie me up, rape me, push me, make me a friend/a(fraid)/a fiend. kill me.
this stomach is new each time i taste you. resolution sells myself an idea when im closer to your core.
stronger than later, slower the better.
my hearts going fast. what do we do? im not the flower this hour from the hand i drank from.
5/8 - im irregular 4/4/- is too common place. so i walk outside. 3/4. wait. 3/4. rest. 3/4.

44/144 22/144 144/044 12/24 24/448 48/02. no. 3/4
im gettingcloser. 2/4 - my heart is going so fast. (again). b r e a t h.
b  r  e  a  t  h    s  l   o    w     l      y

00/04  12/00   .02/022. race between the beat.
this is not panic.

static ... i sang through static.

listen to me: ( i sing ) "take me with you, you with my EKta. cigarette chrome and clorine.
lorine and rome, fag get. the ass of opportunity.
american economic prayer with lips. just settle with emME.
i take the coffee cake away. wray offend me."

X( remaining days ) = Y ( grey hairs )anotherhairjustturnedgreytoday.

1. excuse me, but may i play your toes before my head turns white?
   look at that big beautiful bright light. god, look at your eyes! look at the sun.
2. will the l ight look back at yours?
3. mine?
4. surprise. surrender. solitude?
   staple strings simply so slowly. slippery. suck. sing.
5. static.

    interesting. residual. reconstructive. rejoice.

i came from behind theird amhars f, and it became clear with time, and temper. i seduced a million nerves of stone releasing a salvage empty. i swear. then again i came to talk to her. it was simply salvation. (5:51)

tense - detained rain. intense rinse. the since he time etgi felt tomhing qas situo after me. it  i becawe wonderful.our me hllyhfinai. did er  smell like rain or chemicals? wetsamhey e? is ithre en  sate?
calgon take me away.

simply - terribly talented torrent
inventive 1. selective2solid(3)serenity

trandose: night music nearly modern
dose tranixodine: burning plastic purrs upon the cats evening tree.
 

mockup microscopic mirrors:for: 4 ur lite amplificaxion simul8ted emission of radi8ion

      * your a real genius/ generation pepsi pepperoni pizza by the lbs.

miss carriage contest - 11/12/13/ low ride in my bass car baby.
the top goes down,  the moon smiles bright tonight while a ride through the cesofemtare. m starx a. ivyrr 

cum on my selector:square pusher
 

i dont love you - let me marry your mind

bachlor: single equipment sanding set. love elimination, extractorcator, relimiter, shown+meah?h?(wh?ak?ng

Lhet mE schow yu. thel mi i's yu stil luv yurcelf
05/29/1999 ghiv mE sumtheng 2u be-leev iN
05/27/2003 u-meri-kant(hzh)
2004/04 library of congress alan lomax field recordings compact disc mark
 

piracy pacing page prepared probability precision practice patiently protesting peoples population

esoteric: eye contact

2:02pm i just ripped a "two thumbs up" fart,

but with
terelation: uncle sam still wants pictures of sexy bi-curious soldiers

in relation to over sexed inter-ration of relativity takes time in relation to relationship save lovemaking in understanding?!?!>?
still - its easy to please me.
because when the life of a lover becomes another life entirely, u miss the things u only remembered once. but like i said.
its easy to please me.
but dont change the world, just your clothes. take them off for me. take me away to intellectual dreaming. dont cross townE tr a ffi c.c.176
"like i could ever help you!" how about 2nite?
after all this is your nite. a little night music.//17, 26. 26, 44 - 64+65 ISNBH.L 0-634-04961-5 SPJ

3L;03 2:28PM 5/30/  ??"ah" "ah h  h h  h   h   h   h    h"(Bflat major)

.0. don't count twice - the chairs in our dance

127 only games of time, lines, A to B

116 in your geodesic line in a lonely graph.

110 take me in your gain, threshold and emotional pain.

.93 what were all the things i could have been unless

.64. the clock was all wrong. emit time tables of turin. 93-616.INTBC.
vacant vacuum velocity vases vanish variable variant values

 n o w           R  E  L  A X  X   X

Rave on is a crazy feelin'.B. Holly

but,

                                                                                              not to be lonely.

4:20pm AM/PM STOREthe traffic  was becoming a thick metal hive of instrumentation. coughing along the way on bear valley rd. the glow of convenience finally but my eyes ... the walk wthing i e for that iwasas somerepared for @ that t not pimt was so dark that my nikes kept falling off into uneven ground. where am I? not a car in sight. wait - theres one. i fell down quick to my face, as finally vehi journecl o f myy cy the on with its leomes byradiating brights. i get k to mbacy feet, my head dizzy above the ground. a roar of laughter comes from the open windows of the car.

.pop.song.

centers.

sunrise, sunset, sunshine, the sundays, sunderful.

there it comes, arhyme a  and sensationdifferent 
second break minedont  , timeand understand why ...

your the kiss of systematically sunsetting surrounding standards

big black bomb on top of headline papers
big tick tock signs on the n.y. times

modern dancing rhymes with design.

i must be feeling ... RMMDDDD

its tim ds fe aft bswa ennsbemdardel freel thl
domighant   fy talpro, cenaeismrrwdyeeas  a ean i
what tanget a eblem t ouofots f- istanrnrogaine  n yce 
let those ain ahow?
oh yes. big black bomb. push.
breaking my back, push my big black bomb mother fucker
feelings fade and float away yet im not saying yes to you
the past is what ive left behind and refuse to fight back. that fight back again sets in record motion
skip the vinyl - im on fire. baby so on fire. forget heaven - im on fire. so on fire baby.

classical work and politics
nothing so boring actually. it will 2 months for me and my girl soon. even though the other parts of my life are a mess, she is the one that makes me want to keep it together. (kit) ha. anyway. my beautiful Hungarian woman makes me want to dance. loving you, alan

interzone
Topic: life
at the wretched freeman memorial library. once a place of refuge to me, now a place i rather avoid, but it is the only library around. i was told what the staff thinks of me. it was quite embaressing. oh well im here and have no where i could think of going at the moment. im in a s.o.s. i cant stand to live in clear lake anymore. its beaten me down quite a bit. avoiding tapeithndent iveentdreamiveins. bkraaeco th im  few,heut im broke as fuck as always. im sick ndeing lot evf goineryd my pay. a old feelings i get when at hm pre ome w be. me. t hoge thinkararurs he of is T of ruog froand ther 17 yearthger ll i caere the less iNhe youke loning lot to pnnrnd more na i become. only gnning away.

checkmate
Topic: love
i met the most beautiful woman. she is from Hungary, and loves chess. im falling in love with her. We stare and stare at each other. even in the dark while we lock lips.

Leaving
for TN this morning. Goodbye.

song with no room to dance

I was just so fine, until ... this last week I've been a flying circus of emotions. I'm on new medicine, I'm off new medicine, you're cool, you are not cool. Let me do this - "No, I don't feel like doing this anymore."
   The last two days however were the worst. I wasn't as productive, and listened to music and kinda just let it all out. Everything. Before that I let everything out on this blog which was a big mistake. I don't believe it should be on here, and I will be more careful next time. Going to Tennessee last this week. I've been a mess though. Can someone please call me? - alan

i said
my social life is dead

Hello November
Suddenly out of money, meds, music, and love, but I'll be ok. ;) 
Been working on music, video card blew out yesterday. All of a sudden there was this loud pop sound. Took the card out, but all the capacitors were blown! Kinda funny actually. I laughed when I looked at it. It will make good collage parts! love, an undermedicated a

hey, you looked fat last night
Topic: life
dont excuse the title. its being rude and obnoxious. anyway - life is retarded. love life is nice and distant. friends scatter and once in awhile find themselves to my cell number. im part of a show tonight, but i dont want to think about it right now. someones bringing me down @ the moment. i cant even work at the moment. fuck fuck fuck. sometimes i think the only thing that will save anything good that is in my life now - is a wall of money. well. i dont have much to say as usual.

one of those
days where i just want to change everything about my life.